Give the Gift of Presence This Holiday Season
It has become increasingly rare to capture someone’s full attention. Social media, streaming services and media outlets make every effort to hijack our minds and shorten our attention spans.
As a psychologist, I’ve realized therapy has become one of the unique spaces in which two people put down their smartphones and become fully engaged with one another. This form of connection has become a more precious resource than ever before. I believe it is a significant “active ingredient” in the therapy process.
Jordie Poncy, PhD
Full, sustained attention can go a long way, but what does it mean to be fully present with another person? Carl Rogers, pioneer of humanistic psychotherapy, names three necessary conditions for this type of human connection:
- Genuineness: remaining authentic and real during interactions
- Unconditional positive regard: taking a nonjudgmental, accepting stance
- Empathy: forming a deep understanding of someone’s inner world
Researcher and storyteller Brené Brown stresses the importance of empathy, describing it as an action and a choice to feel with other people. It is not judging, nor does it involve attempting to fix a problem.
In addition to my role as a psychologist at Moffitt, I'm also a patient. I am blessed to have a wide social support network. Cancer has shown me the best of what humanity has to offer. I’ve been given a number of thoughtful gifts: blankets, candles, Uber Eats gift cards (which I converted mostly into tacos).
Each present has revealed something uniquely thoughtful about the gift giver. I quickly amassed every item I could want or need to survive chemotherapy. But there has been one gift I could never get enough of along my cancer journey. You guessed it: that gift of presence. The greatest gifts I have received are those moments when others forgo trying to fix, advise or cheer me up, and instead climb into the hole with me and just sit in it.
As the holidays approach, I ask myself, do I want presents or presence? Pressure to give just the right gifts, prepare delicious meals, clean, decorate, entertain, coordinate and rush around can interfere with our ability to fully connect with one another.
These activities certainly make the holidays special, but how can we intentionally dedicate time to be fully present with those we love, especially considering it matters so much? Here are a few ideas:
- Be intentional: Carve out time for uninterrupted, meaningful conversations.
- Put down the distractions: Explore how time with another feels when no technology is around.
- Reflect on your values: At the end of the season, do you want to say, “I’ve doom scrolled a lot,” or would you place more value on supporting and connecting with others?
- Practice active listening: When attending to someone, use skills like offering verbal and nonverbal cues that you are listening, repeating back what you have heard, asking thoughtful follow-up questions and listening for greater understanding.
- Choose empathy: Focus on listening for information that helps you understand the inner world of the other person. Communicate what you are learning about them. Resist the urge to give advice or share your own perspectives right away.
- Offer validation and encouragement: Avoid platitudes. Focus on what feels genuine and thoughtful.
- Choose vulnerability: When it’s your turn to share, try noticing the thoughts, feelings and information you initially want to hold back. Consider sharing a few.
- Have fun: The whole point is to help yourself and others and derive meaning, connection and joy.
Who knows? The presence you offer another may end up being the greatest present you give yourself this holiday season.
