How We Shared Bad News With Our Children
In August of 2020 my wife Danni, 46, was diagnosed with stage 4 colorectal cancer.
Zach, Mike, Danni and Sophia Gallagher
Receiving that news hit hard. I remember so many things went through my mind in that moment. One of the things that bothered me was figuring out how we would tell the kids. We had two teenage children at that time. Zach was 16 and Sophia was 13. They were old enough to understand that good and bad things happen in life. They were teenagers trying to figure out their own emotions.
One of the hardest conversations you can have with your kids was now in front of us. About five or six days a week we cook dinner. We typically sit down together as a family at the dining table. Danni’s parents lived with us so there were six of us at the table that night. We like to think of it as a time when we can all talk to each other about day-to-day happenings. Phones are put away (most of the time). TVs are turned off.
We broke the news to them in a very matter-of-fact way. This is a challenge we are dealing with and we are dealing with it as a family. We approached it with honesty – they needed to know what we knew. We emphasized support—we were all there for each other. And we showed care—we needed their help too.
“Children are highly intuitive. They can sense when something is not right in the family and rely on their parents to help guide them through it,” said Sean Powell, LSW, CCM, OSW-C, director of Social Work and Patient Support Services. Powell recommends being honest with your children about what is happening.
“You want to tailor the message based on the child’s age and what they can understand. Younger children only need to know that mommy or daddy is sick and will need to either have surgery or take special medicine. Older children can handle more specific information and might even benefit from attending treatments or appointments with you. Seeing what actually happens can often be less frightening than what they might imagine,” Powell added.
Danni took a stance early on that she was determined to beat this. She approached her treatment with nothing but positivity. It was a challenge to overcome rather than a sickness to succumb to. We fed off her strength. We always have. We focused on the healing rather than the sickness. We decided that we would not have any secrets. The kids would know everything they wanted to know. They had questions, they were scared just like us.
Mike Gallagher and his wife Danni in front of the Eiffel Tower
Looking back, it’s been four years since the diagnosis, I believe we basically said “Mom has cancer. It is something that she can overcome but it will be a fight.”
The kids knew their mom was a fighter, that she was someone that would never give up. I am happy to report that with aggressive treatment, excellent care from Moffitt doctors and nurses and a positive attitude, she is cancer free today. This chapter in our lives strengthened our family’s bonds. We’re closer now because we faced it together.
Be honest, project hope and strength. Let them know you need their help. Include them in your decisions. They are in the circle of people closest to you.
“Moffitt proudly offers our Families First program for anyone caring for a child during cancer. We provide, free of charge, backpacks with age-appropriate games, books that help you talk to your child about cancer and a plush animal for them to hold on to. We also offer weekend events where families dealing with cancer can come together and share their experiences and learn from one another in a therapeutic environment led by a trained social worker,” said Powell.
Visit Moffitt.org/InItTogetherMike to hear Mike’s full story.
For more information about Families First, please call the Department of Social Work at 813-745-8047.
This story was originally published in the PARTNERS newsletter. Visit Moffitt.org/PARTNERS for more stories and to learn more.